In the eyes of the beholder

Today I started my first day of thinking differently about food, and how I react to and think of food.  I have spent most of the day thinking about my family.  Both of my parents are overweight, and have battled with obesity most of their lives.  When I was younger I was very thin, I could eat what I wanted.  Then my metabolism changed and I started to gain weight.  My sense of self changed as well.  We live in an age of supermodels that are unbelivably thin.  Everywhere we look we are told that we are not thin enough, not rich enough, and not pretty enough.  How can we as average americans live up to these ideals?  I don't think we can and feel like an individual.

I work at a theatre that produces 3 shows a year that are fully cast with kids  ranging in age from 7-21.  During the 4 years I have been at Weathervane, I have had the oppurtunity to work with some  amazingly talented young people.  I have "eavesdropped" on many conversations and I have heard many young girls say that they are fat and unhappy with their bodies.  I was shocked.  They are 13-15 years old.  Most of them with 32-36 inch busts, 26-28 inch waists.  Fat is not the truth.   Healthy and beautiful is the truth.   When I hear them saying this I stop them, tell them that they are wrong.  Then I tell them this story. 

When I was 27  I went through a horrible depression.  I spent three months working and laying on the couch and crying.  I would get up inthe morning walk to work, then walk home. I couldn't control myself. I cried the entire walk home.  Then I would lie on the couch and just cry.  As I have mentioned before I am usually a very upbeat and happy person, so this was very unusual for me. At the age of 27, I didnt have the things I thought I should have had.  I was single, I knew other guys who constantly had boyfriends.   My Brother David was a year younger then me, he had been married for 8 years.  He had 2 children, a house, and a car.  He had what I thought I should have.  I also thought that I was fat and ugly.  I used to be thin, I used to be cute.  I had often been told that I was the smart one.  David was the handsome one.

One night I was in bed feeling sorry for myself.  My hand was laying on my stomach. I felt the strong hip bone and the smooth softness of my belly and thought that it felt nice.  Then I thought if it feels nice it must be beautiful.  If I have one beautiful part, there must be more beautiful parts.  If there are many beautiful parts, then isn't the whole beautiful?   If the whole is beautiful, then why don't I think I am beautiful.  I spent a long time thinking about how I felt about myself , and why I thought those things.  I also decided that if I didn't like or love myself there was no way anyone else would be able to like or love me.

Over the 12 years that have passed I have realized that you have to love yourself for where you are on the path of your life.  You are a beautiful person now.  You can not live in the past.  All of our experiences combine to make us into the people we are.   We have to stop thinking of our lives in the past and start living for today and tomorrow. 

I guess the point of this ramble is to say that we need to teach ourselves taht beauty is in how we see ourselves, not in how others see us.

Cheers.
Jasen

Greetings from Sunnybrook Farm

Greetings.  I am pushing 40.  I feel like I am 19. I look in the mirror and see my ancestors and not me.  I think it is so funny, (funny as Hmmm, isn't that interesting. Not Funny as in Ha Ha) that as a teenager we strive to be just like everyone else.  In our 20's we start to try and find out who we really are.  In our 30's we are settled into ourselves, starting to finally be happy with who we are. Then 40 comes into view.  I now see my grandfather in the mirror.  I hear my fathers voice coming out of my mouth.  I see my mothers handwriting in my own.  Why didn't some one tell me that after all those years of soul searching, experimentation, laughter and anguish to become an individual that genetics would have the last laugh.   I am a combination of myself and of my parents.  I am the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So dear reader. Here is a brief biography of your author. The most important thing you need to know about me is that I am an optimist.  An optimist through and through.  So if seeing the silver lining pisses you off. You might want to stop reading now.

You have been warned!!!!


I am a Costume Designer, living in Akron, Ohio.  I love what I do.  I will post photos of pieces that I am working on occassionaly.

I am in the begining of an 8 year relationship with my partner John.  We have a gaggle of dogs.  (What is it with the gay's and their dogs?)  John and I are very much opposites.  John is quiet and conservative.  I am not.  John is shy. I am not.  John is reserved.  I am not. But we work, and I love him.

I was born and raised in Connecticut, but my real life didn't begin until 1990 when I moved to the tiny town of Hartford, Alabama.  For me that is when my life really began.  I will go into that later on. 

I am wanting to use this blog to aid in several ways.

 First as I approach my 40th year in August. I would like to loose 30 pounds. 
I am thinking of becoming a vegetarian again.  John didn't like the sound of that.  He is a corn fed meat eater.  I want to use this blog as a diary of my experiences with Vegetarianism and my weight loss.

Second.  I want to use this as a way to clear my head of many thoughts that pop in. To be able to look back and see the way I think about some topics and if possible learn and grow to be a better human being.

Thirdly, I hope that some of my musings and thoughts could help another person.

I look forward to sharing my small corner of the world with you.

Cheers
Jasen