In the eyes of the beholder

Today I started my first day of thinking differently about food, and how I react to and think of food.  I have spent most of the day thinking about my family.  Both of my parents are overweight, and have battled with obesity most of their lives.  When I was younger I was very thin, I could eat what I wanted.  Then my metabolism changed and I started to gain weight.  My sense of self changed as well.  We live in an age of supermodels that are unbelivably thin.  Everywhere we look we are told that we are not thin enough, not rich enough, and not pretty enough.  How can we as average americans live up to these ideals?  I don't think we can and feel like an individual.

I work at a theatre that produces 3 shows a year that are fully cast with kids  ranging in age from 7-21.  During the 4 years I have been at Weathervane, I have had the oppurtunity to work with some  amazingly talented young people.  I have "eavesdropped" on many conversations and I have heard many young girls say that they are fat and unhappy with their bodies.  I was shocked.  They are 13-15 years old.  Most of them with 32-36 inch busts, 26-28 inch waists.  Fat is not the truth.   Healthy and beautiful is the truth.   When I hear them saying this I stop them, tell them that they are wrong.  Then I tell them this story. 

When I was 27  I went through a horrible depression.  I spent three months working and laying on the couch and crying.  I would get up inthe morning walk to work, then walk home. I couldn't control myself. I cried the entire walk home.  Then I would lie on the couch and just cry.  As I have mentioned before I am usually a very upbeat and happy person, so this was very unusual for me. At the age of 27, I didnt have the things I thought I should have had.  I was single, I knew other guys who constantly had boyfriends.   My Brother David was a year younger then me, he had been married for 8 years.  He had 2 children, a house, and a car.  He had what I thought I should have.  I also thought that I was fat and ugly.  I used to be thin, I used to be cute.  I had often been told that I was the smart one.  David was the handsome one.

One night I was in bed feeling sorry for myself.  My hand was laying on my stomach. I felt the strong hip bone and the smooth softness of my belly and thought that it felt nice.  Then I thought if it feels nice it must be beautiful.  If I have one beautiful part, there must be more beautiful parts.  If there are many beautiful parts, then isn't the whole beautiful?   If the whole is beautiful, then why don't I think I am beautiful.  I spent a long time thinking about how I felt about myself , and why I thought those things.  I also decided that if I didn't like or love myself there was no way anyone else would be able to like or love me.

Over the 12 years that have passed I have realized that you have to love yourself for where you are on the path of your life.  You are a beautiful person now.  You can not live in the past.  All of our experiences combine to make us into the people we are.   We have to stop thinking of our lives in the past and start living for today and tomorrow. 

I guess the point of this ramble is to say that we need to teach ourselves taht beauty is in how we see ourselves, not in how others see us.

Cheers.
Jasen